Saturday, 27 October 2007

Blues 3- 2 Wigan

Home came at St Andrews yesterday. Went as a spectator (as I only work with the Academy + Reserves and not the first team).

Na wa for loyalty. I been don warn my Naija friend wey follow me go say as na Bham area we siddon, make im pinch me hard (as a joy deterrant) if Julius Agharowa score against us come do twenty soumersaults. Make persin no go hail o. Na so so warm up the guy dey do for touch line. He came on with about 10 minutes left and didn't score, so my resolv went untested.

As i no get zoom lens make una look this picture with the eye of Faith. Na Julius really dey between awa two defenders (No 5 and 6) there! Guess what I what for Christmas. Card ko , card ni.
For those not into football- Two teams are called Blues. Birmingham ; the real owners of the name and Chelsea (make I no talk anything about dem as I like Drogba).

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Psalm 35 for the Financially Challenged

Psalm 35 for the financially challenged

Babawilly pray say….
Papa God, wund dem, wey wan wund mi !
Papa God, wear yua suit, carry yua brief case
Carry yua investment portfolio follow mi go meeting
Carry yua cheque book take finis all mai creditors.
Yarn mai soul say ‘I am yua Okada out of trouble’.

Baff dem wey wan kill mi.
Baff dem wit disgrace and shame.
Laik blom blow for wind, make angel pursue dem.
Make dem take dia white and white land yakata for poto poto
make yua angel pepper dem o!

I no beg for credit card, dem trap mi
I no ask for ‘buy now pay next year’.
But dem dig debt hole make I falli put.
Fiam! Yawa overtake dem
Fiam! Dia trap chop dia ankle
Fiam! Dia debt hole swallow dem.
Na dat time I go bubble in yua Holy Name.
Belle go dey sweet mi say you balance creditors all mai debt.
From bottom belle I throway salut.
Ta lo da bi re
Where you dey, who born monkey?
Na who but you go dash poor man?
Na who but you go protect poor tenant from wicked landlord?
Na who go protect suffer man from armed robbers?

Babawilly come pray say…….

Wicked people say make I pay for market I no buy
I give dem Eba chop dem take poison repay
I taya for mai life!
When dem no get, I lend dem moni.
I even fast and pray join
I sad for dem laik na mai Mama get di problem.
But now wey I owe, dem dey laugh
Dem join hand against me
People I no sabi, dem dey send me bill
with red ink everywhere
People yab! But moni yab pass!

Papa God, how long you go dey sidon look?
Ah ah! Rescue mi now!
Ah ah! Protect mi from di lions dem!
Na dat time I go come yua compound come praise you.
Even sef I go praise you on top AIT and CNN join.

No let dem do parti say I yamutu.
Make bad belle no laff mai tears
Dia mouth bad
Dia dagger dey find innocent Naija blood
Dem say I do di one I no do
Dem say na for dia kro-kro eye
Chineke se you dey see?
Talk put now. Bico no delay laik Dele.
Wake up o!
Transfer Kudi into mai account.
Yarn dem say I no owe moni
No do make dem fit talk for belle say
dem go suck mai blood finis
Take disgrace sew fine cloth for mai enemies
Take dishonour do dia cap

Papa God, bless dem wey helep mi get mai wealth
Make dia mouth do liak CD wey spoil
Just dey talk say ‘Great is di Lord, Great is di Lord wey dey enjoi
to dey bless im boi-boi dem’.
Na dat time I go do Amebo dey tell everi bodi tori
of di moni transfer wey you do for mi.
Papa God, I go hail you a thousand Gbosa all day long.
And I go hide inside the jeans wey you wear
As dem never born di tief wey go pick yua pocket.


Dr Wilson Orhiunu

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Before this YEAR is over

Before this Year is over
(Millionaire’s Forum Anthem)

Before this year is over
I’m gonna be a ‘naire
Oh my God!
My Fortunes’ here

Can you see!
My wealth is near

Amazing change
I had a Honda
Now I’m chilling out
In my Zonda

Used to run late
Gazing at Timex
Now turning up first
In my Rolex

Got rid
of the family car
The new Lear jet
Is taking me far

Oh my God!
I’m writing big cheques
The dog’s now two
And I bought him a Lex

The bank manager’s
too early for the meeting
he’s doing the lawn
While I am shaving

It’s all good
And I’m loving this life
Sunday at church
Securicor van for my tithes

Next year
I believe for increase
Billionaire status
Angels will release

With a hammer
Babawill’s on the case
Crack that dam
Break through’s in the place

Oh my God!
My fortunes here

Can’t you see
My wealth is near

Dr Wilson Orhiunu


Sunday, 14 October 2007

Borrow-Borrow make me fine

Loans and mortgages have been the down fall of many. Borrow-borrow make me fine as a life style, while efficacious in the short term usually leaves a bitter after taste in the long run.
I was warned as early as in nursery school about the perils of borrowing but I no gee learn.
I think it was between the Samco chocolate drinks and the sugar coated puff-puff that our teacher spoke of Cinderella. Yes the first credit card beauty. (Fairy God mother, Visa, American Express, same difference).
She got her groove on via credit and at 12 mid night it was pay back time. Has designer clothes turned to rags. Don’t be deceived by the banks who rigged the story and gave it a happy ending. Na lie. Prince charming found a glass shoe left behind and tried it on all the babes in town before finally settling on Cinderella’s feet and falling in love with her.
(Could it be this part of the story that poisoned my young mind with a girl’s shoe fetish?). I say na lie. Borrowing clothes can never lead to royalty via marriage.
If the above wasn’t enough, during my literature classes in secondary school, we read Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart. Here again we read of the tortoise who did an R Kelly and went to a feast in the sky with the birds. How you ask? He took loans. Feathers from each bird. He winked at madam as he flapped his borrowed wings, screamed ‘I’m bringing sexy back’ and flew. His father didn’t teach him that all loans had a life span. To cut the story short, he adopted a nick name of ‘All of you’ and when the host set the table and announced that the food was for ‘all of you’, the tortoise eat the whole lot to the chagrin of his creditors.
Each bird took back their feathers and the stranded tortoise begged for someone to tell his wife to put all the soft mattresses in the garden to cushion his fall from the sky. (Those were the days before text messaging). The bad belle Parrot then and told the wife to bring out all the metal objects. The poor creature saw the activities from the skies and smiled. He couldn’t see clearly. (No satellite pictures sef). He landed and fractured his shell so badly his genes were affected and subsequently all tortoises born had cracked up shells (Origin of Species ko. Origin of Species ni).
The moral of the story is don’t borrow!
This whole line of thinking was triggered by the local Porshe dealership who invited me to try one of their cars for 24 hours.
‘Which one would you like sir?’ them ask.
I no kuku know the name of any. In the end I took a Boxster. Costs £46,000 no change. Omo., if them try am for Lagos, the car go dey Ghana is three minutes.
I had always felt a two seated car was selfish. People may need lifts and where pickin go siddon. My people na lie. Okada no be two seater car? (There are many definitions of the word car).
Another problem I had with sports cars is that though I live in the UK and drive on UK roads, the memory of Lagos port holes still dey my brain. Some of those pot holes fit swallow the whole Porshe car sef. That’s why if them hammer for Lagos, first dem go Hummer (Yahoozeee).
But I no dey live for Naija now?
Anyway, when I sat in the ‘cockpit’ of the car come put fire, for the first time I understood the meaning of horse power. That thing dey run. Come see how people dey look me. Small time I blast ‘wetin dey’ dey jolly. At one stage sef e bi laik say na me be James Bond sef.
My people, I say God forbid Okada o!. If only two persins wan ride, na side by side for sports car dem suppose dey.
Problem dey sha. The car low and my hips dey cramped. The boot for front and back no fit hold pass 2 small yams and quarter bag of garri. We never talk of rice. If pickins wan commot, how I go chose the one pickin wey go ride with me. You sabi say if you vex pickin, when you old come die, na Geisha sandine them go serve for yua funeral. I no send.
Like Cinderella, my time was up and I go return motor, but I knack picture with am sha.
This morning my neighbour appear.
‘Where’s your new car?’ im ask dey fear say armed robbers done get Visa from Naija come Birmingham
‘I had it only for 24 hours. A test drive’ I answer. The man squeeze face.
‘I thought you bought it. I was looking to going out on a spin in it with you’ im come talk.
See im face. So if I dey find person to ‘spin’ inside my £46,000 motor (abeg convert to Naira), na man I go carry? See im head like spin.
No yawa. For 24 hours at least Borrow borrow made me fine.

One thing dey about car sha. No matter how e fine reach, like horse ,when you reach house you go leave am outside as e no fit enta bed with you. Na make love dey inside the house persin need. But if you no get Porshe and you no get love. Chai. Na only Jesus can save you!

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

St Andrews Stadium

Yesterday was my first match @ St Andrews. Was quite impressive. Our reserve team defeated West Ham's 3-1. West Ham took thier goal so well though. I say man pickin wan shout to hail them (West Ham) na im I come remember say no be TV I dey watch and na Birmingham uniform i wear. Even sef na Birmingham dug out I sidon. Man gat to control myself.

All good. Grass so smooth you could sleep on it. Usually our (reserves ) games are in a smaller joint in Solihull but as many first player play yesterday na im dem let us use Stadium.