Tuesday, 28 August 2007

Dear My Sister 4

Dear Mai Sister 4
Dear My Sister,
Panic not. Ah-ah. Can’t you take a joke? Just because I mentioned poison you then carry go mention to Mama. Now di woman dey mai haus. She arrive from Las Gidi yesterday. Now I no fit dey go on dates laik before. Mama say na 1 year Visa dem give am. My sister, Mama go come play with you smol o for Texas bicos mi, I no send o.Mai relationship dey sensitive stage and mi I need quality time with my love.
Na you and yua big mouth cause dis panic. Now mama say na mi muss to buy her ticket as na mi frighten di family into sending her down to look her son. Na you go pay mai sister. Na you cause panic. Anyway make we no argue.
Dem don sack mi from Sunday teacher work o. Na mai fault sha. Na Memory verse scandal some people dey call am. You see, Pastor talk make everybody learn James 1:13. You sabi am now..When tempted, no-one should say, God is tempting me for God cannot be tempted with evil…
Mai sister , when I dey type Sunday school programme on Saturday night , dey listen to Barry White, I no know the time I type Songs of Solomon 1:13. Dat one e strong well well.
..My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.
My sister, for the first time in the history of the children’s church, everyone learnt memory verse o. Even one 2 year old, im brothers teach am.
Dem summon mi before elders. My sister, I come dey laff. I hear the allegations but na mai Lepa face I dey see. Dem say na toilet I go dey clean. I come make mistake ask ‘Male or female toilet?’. Mi I ask for information but dem look mi with eye bad like say I get bad thing for mind. (No bi Idris Mohammed sing dat song…Oh Lord, Please don’t let me be misunderstood?) I know say for dia mind na ‘get thee behind me satan’ dem dey think. Dem demote mi to car park. Na there I dey 2 weeks till dem come sack mi pata pata. You see, I been dey direct traffic but I reserve space next to mai Infiniti jeep for my Lepa. Pastor wife come arrive late ask if space dey. I say no (Technically I was not lying as the only space next to my Infinity Jeep was reserved for my Lepacious darling). Na dat day Pastor wife carry plenty books come church, but I no know. She go pack 5 streets away. As she dey struggle to waka come with her plenty load and children she see me dey direct Lepa into the parking space with a smile on mai face.
My sister, as I dey type so, I no get role for church again o. Pastor say I must appear im haus for counselling. Even mama no happy with mi. I juss dey laff dem. Love don anaesthetise mai brain. All di parents for church dey look mi bad eye say I teach dia pickin wrong memory verse. Na wetin sef. Na mi write Bible? Dis thing fit affect mai wedding presents o.
I dey too absent minded when I dey in love sef. Remember dat time in 1983. I been dey make breakfast for Papa. I fry egg, do ogi plus slice bread, dey sing love songs. I come set table den tell Papa say food don readi.

Your bros Crazy in love


Monday, 20 August 2007

Dear My Sister

Dear My Sister,
I have found love again! ‘Who is it this time?’, I hear you ask. Be patient. Shebi your name na Patience. First and foremost I must tell you I have been searching for a while now. You sabi say on the day a miner is employed to mine for diamonds, there is no assurance that he will ever see a precious stone, yet he signs on the dotted line and starts digging.
My sister, I have been digging for months. Through dirt , stones and assorted poto-poto but I kept on digging. My persistence has paid off and I am now deep deep deeply in love. My sister, you cannot remove me from the depths into which I have sunk. I doubt you have the length of ropes and engineering equipment required to salvage your brother. Me sef, I don’t want to be rescued.
‘Wetin she give you chop?’, I hear you ask. Why must every Naija think say dem give you chop eh?

Your's truly Crazy in love

Saturday, 18 August 2007

Bush Doctor in the City Indeed!

Today is a good day. Started as Academy and reserves team Doctor for Birmingham City FC. Bush Doctor in the City indeed!

Pic of me proudly showing off me badge.

Upper 16s trashed Aston Villa 4-1 (very good win as Villa are local rivals in the Premiership) and the Under 18s trashed (maybe defeated would be a better word but hey..) Bolton 4-3.

Was raining but no injuries. Nice first day at the office

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

Pidgin Version of Psalm 23

This poem is easily more famous than me or my book. The Pidgin version of Psalm 23. Written and published on the internet at about 2000 and published in my book- My Time in 2005.


The Lord is mai shepherd
I dey kampke
He make mi sidon for where betta dey flow
Come put me next to stream wey make mai bodi
He panel beat mai soul come spray am white,
Come dey lead me dey go ni, through express road of righteousness for His name’s sake
Walahi!, if I waka pass where arm robber, 419
And juju pipo borku come even join okada reach valley of the shadow of death sef, mai bodi dey inside cloth. Your rod and staff nko?
Na so-so comfort dem dey comfort me for belle
You don prepare Banga and starch make I chop
All mai enemies dey look anyaya
You anoint me for head wit oil
Mai cup na Ogunpa wey burst im banks
True true, betta life and mercy go gum mai back
Till I quench. And man go tanda for God house sotey sotey; from Lai lai to lai lai.

Dr Wilson Orhiunu
My Time. 2005

Urhobo Historical Society Calender

The August page of the UHS calender is devoted to Urhobo Doctors. I tought I shold toast my inclusion with my Urhobo-centric poem. Make una come chop o!

It’s Ukodo tonight
Finger lickin’ licking good
We are doing alright
You’re my woman
I’m your man
Been at work
Since 9 o’clock
But it’s now 5
That boss of mine
Works me to the bone
But it’s now 5
Tonight’s the night
We celebrate our love
You’ve been to Igbudu market
To buy choice yams
Some crayfish
Alligator pepper
And dry fish
I am on my way home
For Ukodo tonight
It’s been 12 months
Since we both said "I do"
Oh, how sweet time flies.
With a candle lit dinner
We are insured against Nepa
Let’s celebrate
We have made it this far
Stir that boiling froth real slow
Yes my appetite is higher
Than any Warri T.V aerial
For Ukodo tonight
I am driving through
the streets of Wari reminiscing
Of how it was at the start
For Mama said
It wouldn’t work
Papa said
It wouldn’t last
Brother said
It wouldn’t work
Sister said
It wouldn’t last
But here we are getting ready
For Ukodo tonight.
The smell fills the compound
Neighbours know what you are cooking
So pull out the phone
And lock the doors
Shut the windows
and draw the curtains
Even if the president comes knocking
We no dey house
For it’s Ukodo tonight
This love grows
Stronger every day
So fan the flames
Of a love
That just wouldn’t die
Soft music plays
As you turn the palm oil
On hot yams so soft
And tender
I’ll rather be no where else
Than here
For Ukodo tonight

Dr Wilson Orhiunu
My Time 2005